Control Confusion
Control freak. Out of control. Control freak. Out of control.
Do you ever swing from these to crazy pendulum sides?
So often we get confused about what we can control and what we can’t.
When we try to control what we don’t have control over we can cause a bunch of drama that does nothing. We get upset about not controlling something we were never in control of.
Sometimes because we can’t control everything we think that means we don’t control anything. And then we no longer control ourselves.
An insane amount of our problems stem from being confused about what we can and should control.
Luckily it turns out to be super clear. Hard to agree with at times, but the reality is simple.
- You never get to control the circumstance or other people.
- You can always control yourself, your thoughts, and your reactions to anything.
Let’s unpack that. A circumstance, this includes any facts of reality. It includes the weather and whether the skies are filled with smoke from nearby fires. It includes all of the facts of everything that has already happened.
When I say you don’t control other people, you really don’t. It doesn’t matter your role. There are some edge cases for babies (sort of). Adults get to do whatever they want. They get to think what they want.
You can attempt to influence your surroundings and other people, but you don’t get to make anyone do anything.
There may be consequences for their actions, but they get to decide.
That’s also the good news. You also get to do what you want. It also means that you and only you are in control of what you think, feel, and do.
Here’s a simple example of a manager-employee situation:
After a reorg M’s charter changes and M decides E will be working on project X. E isn’t interested in project X.
I’m sure you can imagine a bunch of directions this could go. Let’s just look at what would M control and what would E control in this situation.
M controls:
- Which ones he assigns to each person
- How he frames the projects
- Whether he’s willing to swap projects around
- Whether he will hold E accountable should he not do the work
- How he shows up in the conversation with E
E controls:
- Whether he tells M that he doesn’t like project x
- Whether he decides to like project x or not
- How he does his work, if at all
- Whether he quits
- How he reacts to M
These lists aren’t complete, but you get the idea. In every situation there are a ton of options we have about how we think, feel, and act. Often we have more possibilities and ways to control ourselves that we realize.
We all wish we could control the situation and make others behave the way we want them to. It just never works that way. But the good news is that when we control what we actually have control over, we have a ton of power to create what we desire.
I hope this helps clarify some of the control confusion.
